disappointment.

i'm sorry, but this entry is going to have to be super sappy and sad.

i'm disappointed in myself. i've disappointed those around me. i don't deserve the incredible friendships, relationships and kindness that i have.
i'm overwhelmed with the flaws and mistakes i've made.
i'm lazy.
i lack the diligence and patience to finish my goals and dreams.
i settle for less than what i deserve.
i don't have enough self control when it comes to my personal wants and desires.
i lack sensitivity.
i break hearts.
i envy and covet.
i'm distant with my King.
i'm used & abused. i don't deserve "only the best" like i'm told all the time.
i have so many unattractive qualities.
i keep making mistakes, dispite my best efforts to avoid them.
i'm selfish.

and You would think that my realization of all these bad things in my heart i should be running to my Savior with all that is in me to ask Him to purge all of these bad seeds out of me. but that's just it. i'm so selfish, i don't want Him to. i kind of like some of the bad parts in myself. i know in the long run, they are only going to leave me hurt, but that's how self centered and self seeking and concited i am. i want to keep saying innepropriate things. i want to keep making out with boys. i want to keep dating even though i'm planning on moving soon. i want to remain self seeking because it takes too much effort to care for others.
i hate myself for saying and thinking all of these things.
i'm rotten. i'm spoiled. i'm a horrible person.
and i can only pray that the Lord won't do away with me because of my disobedience and His disappointment in me.

i find myself asking "why is anyone my friend? why would anyone bother with me?" i don't deserve the amazing, pure, honest, diligent, hardworking and innocent friendships that i have. i don't deserve how sweet and kind and honest they've been to me when i've only broken their hearts and done nothing in return for them. and for that, i am filled with the upmost regret.
it is my DREAM that i could someday be as kind and lighthearted as the ones around me. they all inspire me so much. i aspire to be the wonderful people i am surrounded by. but i believe my influence on them isn't good for them. i'll hurt them with my selfishness as i have before.

my heart is so rotten and used and not pure that i cannot believe that i did this to my sanctuary for my heavenly Prince. He deserves more than this. my loved ones deserve better than this.
You know what?
SCREW MY SELFISHNESS
SCREW MY LONELINESS

You all only deserve the best. i'm tired of only serving myself.
and starting now is the change.
i'm not going to put this off like everything else i have before.
this is going to be immediate.