Changes.

SO.


hopefully this entry will be a bit more cheery than the last one. :)


posting that last blog, it wasn't my intention to seek attention. and looking back and reading it, i saw that it could have come off that way. my goal with the last blog was to just write out my thoughts. journaling wasn't going fast enough and i type a lot quicker than writing and i wanted to document what i had written so i thought HEY PUT IT ONLINE! so i did.


i realized that everything that i was feeling last week was just a lot of self pity. the Lord was showing me what was in my heart and life that was not of Him and i didn't know what to do with it. He showed me my selfishness and the demons i hold onto instead of him. as soon as i came to this realization, this song immediately came into my head:


"So wash me and make me shine like Your Son.
i want to tell everyone that You're the only One.
So, take my heart & make it new & make it true & make it like You.
Take my hands, i lift them high. They're Yours, not mine, to do, do what You will."
Jared Anderson's version of Ready Now.


my last few sentences in my last blog, i remembered that my heart is a sanctuary for my Savior. and that i was putting people and things in place of His spot in there. He was convicting me, i guess You could put it. i was feeling so guilty of my actions and the bad parts of my heart, i was wallowing in self pity and it was tiring to my soul. Yesterday on Easter i got to spend the whole day to myself because i don't have any family to celebrate Jesus' resurrection. so, i spent basically the whole afternoon catching up with my Prince. turns out He was waiting for me there the whole time. <3 i found that He wasn't disappointed in me at all, just hurt and missing me, just like i was hurt and missing Him. i ran back into the safety of His loving embrace and cast all my cares on Him. He wiped them all away, and now i can feel such a peace in my heart and soul. WHAT A LOVING GOD WE SERVE! how i've missed His presence along side me at school and with my friends and with the ones that i love. He's already given me such wisdom and clear understanding of what i've been stressed and worried with. now i don't worry anymore. i pray. and with prayer, i release all that stress and worry with trust that my God has got it all under control and makes all things work together for my good.


now i feel such joy. JOY. i missed this joy. i missed this happiness and smile i can't wipe off my face because my God my God MY GOD has saved me from the troubles of this world and canceled my ticket to hell. i can and do live vibrantly knowing that God holds me in the palm of His hand with such love and care. <3


i've made changes to my way of thinking and my actions. they're small and subtle, but they've been so good to my heart and my King. the changes i've made may not be a big deal to someone else looking at me, but i can feel it and sense it. i know that the Lord is pleased with me and i know that He's going to keep loving me for the rest of eternity. and visa versa. :)


i'm falling, falling, falling, falling head over heels in love with Jesus again. and it feels so good. <3

disappointment.

i'm sorry, but this entry is going to have to be super sappy and sad.

i'm disappointed in myself. i've disappointed those around me. i don't deserve the incredible friendships, relationships and kindness that i have.
i'm overwhelmed with the flaws and mistakes i've made.
i'm lazy.
i lack the diligence and patience to finish my goals and dreams.
i settle for less than what i deserve.
i don't have enough self control when it comes to my personal wants and desires.
i lack sensitivity.
i break hearts.
i envy and covet.
i'm distant with my King.
i'm used & abused. i don't deserve "only the best" like i'm told all the time.
i have so many unattractive qualities.
i keep making mistakes, dispite my best efforts to avoid them.
i'm selfish.

and You would think that my realization of all these bad things in my heart i should be running to my Savior with all that is in me to ask Him to purge all of these bad seeds out of me. but that's just it. i'm so selfish, i don't want Him to. i kind of like some of the bad parts in myself. i know in the long run, they are only going to leave me hurt, but that's how self centered and self seeking and concited i am. i want to keep saying innepropriate things. i want to keep making out with boys. i want to keep dating even though i'm planning on moving soon. i want to remain self seeking because it takes too much effort to care for others.
i hate myself for saying and thinking all of these things.
i'm rotten. i'm spoiled. i'm a horrible person.
and i can only pray that the Lord won't do away with me because of my disobedience and His disappointment in me.

i find myself asking "why is anyone my friend? why would anyone bother with me?" i don't deserve the amazing, pure, honest, diligent, hardworking and innocent friendships that i have. i don't deserve how sweet and kind and honest they've been to me when i've only broken their hearts and done nothing in return for them. and for that, i am filled with the upmost regret.
it is my DREAM that i could someday be as kind and lighthearted as the ones around me. they all inspire me so much. i aspire to be the wonderful people i am surrounded by. but i believe my influence on them isn't good for them. i'll hurt them with my selfishness as i have before.

my heart is so rotten and used and not pure that i cannot believe that i did this to my sanctuary for my heavenly Prince. He deserves more than this. my loved ones deserve better than this.
You know what?
SCREW MY SELFISHNESS
SCREW MY LONELINESS

You all only deserve the best. i'm tired of only serving myself.
and starting now is the change.
i'm not going to put this off like everything else i have before.
this is going to be immediate.

Dating

I know this is something that EVERYONE loves to talk about. And i'm sure
You've heard a lot of people say their say about the matter. But i think
i've realized something about it and i would love to share! It seems to
me that in the environment that i am in, surrounded by church and
Christian friends, what i see is a lot of planning planning planning of
relationships, but not DOING anything with those plans. And sometimes
those plans You have to do when in a relationship aren't going to work
out that way. You know what i mean? With my own eyes, i've seen friends
going into relationships planning to save their first kiss for marriage
or not for a long time, yet when 2 months rolls around, it happens.
Unplanned. Unexpected. It just happened. When things like that happen, i
think that Jesus has His mighty hand on it. Kissing isn't bad, it isn't
forbidden, but it is special. And that specialness is something that i
would like to save for marriage, but the Big Guy might say "it's okay"
or it'll just happen perfectly one day. He writes my love story, not me.
You also never know who You will have feelings for. You could plan on
wanting a strong Christian man, but fall for an atheist who has his
faith in evolution. You never know what You will be attracted to. I'm
seeing that a lot of my friends who are planning planning planning
aren't having the best of luck with the fellas or ladies. It's
unattractive how strict and full-of-rules they are.
I'm not sure what i'm trying to say. I suppose i'm saying that Dad could
have a different plan for You than what You'd like or prefer.

Lalalalalala