Pressing On.

Dear Blog,

Do You ever wish that You could turn back time? Perhaps better to a happier time, or when things were much more simpler? Maybe just better in general? Well, since You're a blog, back to a time when people actually posted important things, instead of pointless, unmeaningful things?

i find myself wanting to return to the past. Earlier this year was simply incredible. Frankly because i received new revelations of God's splendor so many times. Being used by a guy and then understanding that His hand was on the situation the ENTIRE time, and knew exactly what He was doing gives me chills every time i think about it (SERIOUSLY. THE DUDE COULD OBLITERATE ME IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, BUT HE STILL LOVES AND CHERISHES ME SO MUCH! That, blog, is freakin' scary). And then being a part of such an amazing, passionate internship with so much zeal and ferver for Jesus just made my heart want to know Him more and more! Having the honor to serve next to them as well on my first missions trip just set my heart of fire to serve my community, city and campus so much harder. And THEN being with my sister and her husband to welcome my nephew into the world was utter bliss. <3

Going into my senior year, i couldn't believe how heavily the Lord's presence was with me. Walking the halls, i truely felt set apart. Perversion and cussing disgusted me. Anything worldly or gross did not catch my attention at all. My God's love was all i could talk about to everyone. i couldn't go to sleep at night without reading my bible. It wasn't too long into the year until my King blessed me with a job. Soon after getting the job, i auditioned and got into the school play (This has been my dream to be a part of the theater since i was in elementary school. The internship my sophomore and junior years didn't allow me enough time for rehearsals so this really meant a lot).

Now it is mid-semester and i am burnt. out.

The play has taken all of my time to have my God time and read my bible and go to church.

i no longer feel His presence around me while i am walking down the halls (Although, i very much know He is with me, i just can't sense it).

Spirits of perversion and corrupt-ness have dirtied my mind and clouded my heart from my passion for God.

i've said innepropriate things.

i've acted innepropriately. Especially with guys.

i've cursed when it disgusts me (And i find so so so unattractive!)

i find myself wanting to be in a high school relationship. WHICH IS INCREDIBLY STUPID, FOR I KNOW AND EXPIRIENCED THE FOOLISHNESS OF HIGH SCHOOL DATING.

i have never felt so disgusted with myself. i am better than that. i've been called by my God to be better than this. i have never felt so disappointed in myself in such a long time. People who know me have called me out on this, which goes to show that i am not modeling Christ like i should be. i very well know that my behavior has been is entirely my fault. i don't blame this on my job or the play or anyone else but myself. Being too busy for my God is no excuse. The play is over now, and the next one is coming up. A fellow passionate Christ-follower friend of mine is auditioning and i have a gut feeling that having her there will keep me accountable and in line when being around the perversion and gross-ness with the theater people.

So, this all brings me back to where i am, Blog. Wishing and praying that the sense of overwhelming joy and happiness and security i had with my King will return to me.

i can't turn back time. Hebrews 12 says that our Father calls us His children. And there are going to be times when He teaches and discipline us as His children. ----> This is my time to press on forward with my walk with God. This is the time to learn and grow and face situations like these and cling to my God with all that i have and conquer whatever comes my way.

Sorry, Blog, if You're feeling more like a diary than a Blog. But i hope this is better than other people tell You like, "TODAY I WENT TO JC PENNY!" i hope i've offered You something with meaning, Blog. Now that i think about it, would You be alright with keeping me accountable with my journaling? i type faster than i write and my Godtime journal is almost out of room. i sure hope You're okay with it, Blog, because that's what i'm going to do.

Thank You for listening.

Love,

Lea.