Wow.

It's been quite a while hasn't it? Almost a year. But don't think that I've forgotten about you, my dear blog.


We've got some major catching up to do.


I went to Austin. I did that internship for about  five months and then I quit. Why? Because I'm now an atheist. Why? Read into the opposing argument and you'll see where I'm coming from.


I moved back to Colorado during Christmas time. I got back together with the love of my life. I moved out of my parent's house and got a place so that I could stay with him. We stayed together until March when I left him.


Ever since then I've just been here. Lame.


My life did a complete 180 while I was in Texas. So, I have no idea who I am now.
I put my identity in Christ. Fail.
I put my identity in a boy. Fail.
I put my identity in partying. Fail.
I'm currently putting my identity into smoking. Failing.

Now what?


I've tried getting into different hobbies besides what I've known my whole life which is church and a boyfriend. I've tried longboarding, ukulele, guitar, rock climbing (and honestly, I really love rock climbing. I'll be pursuing that further) and just working my ass off at both my jobs. My life has become completely meaningless. The slow realization of this has made me crave getting back with my ex. He's what I know. He's what I'm used to. He was everything to me. But that's the past, and I would hate myself if I gave in and went backwards.


So, in my search to find myself, I have only realized that I miss having a God in my life more than anything in the entire world. Being atheist isn't ideal. It's a harsh(realistic) way of dealing with reality that I'm not used to and I don't like. I'm used to being told that my life is in someone else's hands and I don't have to worry. Now, I'm constantly worrying, making decisions based off myself. I don't like being selfish, self-serving & mean. I feel myself changing and I don't like the change that I'm seeing. I'm less caring, mean, not caring. I don't like who I see when I look in the mirror. I've changed so much. And I don't know what to do to stop it.


There's actually a part of me that just wants to go to church and have that relationship with God again. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. I don't want to be THAT person again either! I refuse to give in that easily!


Honestly, the best thing that I think I can do right now is move out of the Springs. I am honestly so sick of seeing the same faces every day. I want to get out and move either to Denver or Austin.




And if anyone actually reads this, I'd like to apologize for the person that I've become and what actions I've done towards anyone that may have hurt them. And I have hurt some people no doubt. But words cannot express how sorry I am from the pit of my heart. Since words can't show it, I'm putting action behind it by trying to become a better person, not only for myself but for everyone around me. I don't want to keep hurting the ones I love the most.


Sappy post, I'm sorry.