Future.

Does the future scare You, Blog?
Like do You ever worry about what is to come?
Do You feel scared for what it may hold?
Are You uneasy if it may hurt or help You?

i feel like i am in the same perdicament.

i find myself struggling to be at peace about the future. i mean, i trust the Lord with all that is in me that He's got it all planned out, but i'm scared about what it is. if there is even an IT in my future! What if what the Lord wants me to do is work at Target for the rest of my life? What if He wants me to become a speaker? A preacher? A missionary? A pastor? A teacher? A counselor? i'm scared, Blog.

Being a senior in high school, i know every day when i wake up that i will be asked at least 5 times that day a few of the following,
"What are You doing after high school?"
"What college are You going to?"
"Are You going to college?"
"Do You know what You want to be?"
"Whatcha got planned for when You graduate?"

And when i respond,
"Nope. i don't know"

PEOPLE FREAK OUT! i mean seriously, people. i'm seventeen. Of course i've thought this stuff through. i'm not a bum who isn't going to college immediately after i graduate. And if i do attend a college, it's not going to be a university. More than likely it is going to be a community college. i'd rather not waste all of my money on a fancy-shmancy college when the Lord wants me to be a stay at home mom or wants me to go home with Him tomorrow in a car crash.
BUT NOOOOOOO.
They feel the need to lecture me on how i need to get my future mapped out, right here and right now. Or that i HAVE to go to college if i want to achieve well in life.

Well, sir/mam. You don't know what my future holds. You don't know my destiny. You don't know what the Lord has planned for my life. i didn't ask for Your imput or opinion (although, i appriciate it) so please save Your lectures on Your own kids and stop wasting my time because i've heard it all before.

For now, i'm living on a 6 month life plan. Right now, all i'm sure of is that i will work at Target until i save up enough money for college or to move out or to do the church internship. i don't know.

Only the Lord knows. And it's hard not knowing myself! i want to know what His will is. i want to know what is on His heart. i just want to know more and more and more and more and more until i know everything, but i won't know everything. it's hard.

Well,

Hey there, Blog. How have You been? Good i hope. I've been quite well
myself. :)
The Lord keeps on showing more and more of His mercy everyday. Things i
never thought i could achieve or accomplish, i've been able to (not by
my own strength). And receiving things and friendships i don't feel like
i deserve. I've messed up with guys far too much to deserve someone
who's saved their first kiss... but He's presented precisely that to
me.
I don't understand why someone who has made mistakes would be blessed
with something far greater than they could ever really hope or imagine.
Like Zac. This kid is just too incredible for me to handle. I remember
thinking years ago when we first met, "i'd sure be the happiest girl
ever if i got someone like that to pursue me." Never did i expect him to
have feelings for me because he could do WAY better. Yet, the Lord has
pointed our sights on each other. It's something i never saw coming.
It's something that still stuns me everytime i think about it.
How incredibly overwhelming our God is. He knows our hearts and desires
and goes above and beyond what we originally asks for. We just gotta be
patient and trusting in His timing. It would have been far to easy to
jump into another relationship with some cute kid in Stats, but i waited
it out, and i get the best of the best.
Crazy, right?
Anyways, Zac is not my source of happiness. He is a contributor to it.
Haha. But my grades have been improving, my God time is juicy every time
i dive into it.
i am loving life because God made it beautiful.

<3 Lea.

Ps: Blog, i have been reading this really good book called "Questions
Christians Hope No One Will Ask. ( with answers." It's amazing. I would
invest in it if i were You. :)

I whip my hair back & forth.

So, it's been a while, blog.
I have much to catch You up on.

But let me make something clear, because i haven't made an entry in a
while, doesn't mean i haven't been having my God time. I got a new
journal. And don't You love the feeling of a crisp new notebook for You
to write down anything that You fancy? To write down all You desire &
hope & pray for? All that God wants You to be and strive for?

Anyways. Back to the point.

Since my last entry, a crazy fire to study Intelligent Design has
consumed me. At first, it made me doubt. Reading about evolution & the
crazy depths of science that's threaded into it frightened me. Which, i
think, led to my distance from the Lord in my last entries.
But then i started learning about the intensity of God's power & works
when he breathed everything into existence.

If You are one who is doubting, take comfort in this;

Why do You think the universe is created just perfect for us?
The earth is the perfect distance from the Sun to live. It were 5%
closer, the earth's water would evaporate & we would die. If it were 20%
further, the water would freeze & we would die.
And the earth is on an axis to provide a perfect amount of sunlight to
sustain life.
And we are just one of 9(8?) planets in our solar system. There's about
a few million stars in our galaxy. And then there's thousands more
galaxies than ours & then the planets surrounding those stars. None of
which provide the perfectness atmosphere for there to be life on those
planets.
The British mathematician Roger Penrose conducted a study of the
probability of a universe capable of sustaining life occurring by chance
and found the odds to be 1 in 10 to the 10th power to the 123 power.
Thats 1/10^10^^123.
That is a mind-boggling number. According to probability theory, odds of
1 in 10^50 represents "Zero Probability." But Dr. Penrose's calculations
place the odds of life emerging as Darwin Described it as more than a
trillion trillion trillion times less likely than Zero.
And that's just one example of why evolution isn't a reliable theory. I
didn't even mention the tons of animals that defy evolution like
Giraffes(sp? :/) & a tiny half inch beetle in the rain forest!
:)
I. LOVE. THAT.
Take comfort in THAT my friends. Despite what arrogant, mean &
evolutionary atheists say, Creationism is logical, intelligent, smart &
true.

My new found fascination in this issue has earned me many heated
discussions & conversations with a lot of name calling, insults & harsh
comments. All of which have rolled off my back like no big deal. Until
they started coming from my brother.
I asked him what were to happen if he were wrong about evolution? He'd
go to hell. He then got furious about how Christianity wants us to live
in fear of hell & God. He and others then turned that into "i believe in
God just to get into heaven"? Uhno.
I believe in my King because He has done so much for me. Everything from
having a wonderful family, a perfect father, saving my dad from
suffering, taking away my loneliness, fears & sins, and giving me peace
is all situations. I am so thankful for all that has happened in my
life, and the best way i can think of returning the favor to my heavenly
Prince is by devoting my life to serve Him.
I'm not wasting my time praying, meditating & giving my money. I give my
time & money to widows and orphans in the world, wanting them to have
all that unbroken families have. The time i spend praying and hoping for
my mom, brother, sister, friends to have peace and joy and love in their
lives? That's not wasting my time in my eyes. I enjoy hoping for the
best for everyone that i love. I spend my time wisely serving, praying,
loving & joyfully. All in God's beautiful name.
i'm not trying to "scare the hell" out of You. I want the best for You,
and i want You to know that. I live in the Fear of God because it scares
me how incredible He is. How He created everything. It brings me to a
place of awe and wonder and i just can't get enough of it. I don't know
all the answers to why we Christ followers need to live in the Fear of
God, but i am looking and reading and researching about it.

Which leaves me with where i am now digging into this - why must we live
in the Fear of God? Why does God use fear as a motivation to believe in
Him?
If You have any comments or possible answers, please leave a comment or
text or call me! <3

Much more than just that little bit on intrege(sp?) has happened in my
life recently.
I never thought i'd be here again with a boy. Not THERE i like was with
the guy i wrote about before. But there's a little flame growing in my
love life.
But this is different.
We've had the longest friendship. Since 8th grade. His family LOVES me.
My mom LOVES him. My friends approve. His friends approve. My mentor
approves (so far...). All great, right?
Wrong.
I want this to be different than anything i've ever experienced with a
boy. Nothing like what happened with me and T**** or me and A***** or me
and D**** (ESPECIALLY ME AND HIM).
I want this relationship to be completely pure, honest & innocent. I
want any & everything we say & do honor Jesus & be in His beautiful
name. We're not kissing. I don't want to kiss til my wedding day.
I feel the Lords hand on this & with Him with us, then we can make this
right & beautiful.
I want to look back at everything that happened with fondness & without
regret - whether got married or not.

I think i've said more than i should, Blog. So, let's not wait so long
to talk.

Love,
Lea <3

Why

can't i post intelligent blogs? I really admire those of You who write
such witty topics & things. It feels like a novel instead of a blog.
Your guys' posts make me feel so clever & smart for reading them! You
guys are legit.
Too legit.
Too legit to quit.

Care...

Friday night, i got a totes new understanding of one of my favorite
songs - How He Loves.
"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when i think about the way
He loves us. Oh, how He love us. Oh, how He loves us. Oh, how He
loves."

To be honest, i never got that phrase til Friday night. Listening to it
at theMILL, it felt like the final missing piece in a puzzle slid into
place and my brain was like OH I GOT IT!

Why do i waste my time regretting the things in my past & my previous
actions when His love and mercy has already wiped it away? Also, my
problems are so unimportant compared to the bigger picture! There's
widows & orphans everywhere (Africa, Colorado, my city, my community, MY
NEIGHBORHOOD!) that could use my time and emotions and prayers, more
than i need 'em. I need to stop caring so much about myself. My vision
is to have a servant's heart.

Which brings me to my next question:

How can i stop caring so much about myself but not become careless about
my actions or who i am?

i'd like to hear some feedback on this please, Blog. :)

FREE.

THE SPIRITS OF PERVERSION & APATHY NO LONGER HAVE A HOLD ON ME.
My God is so faithful to me.
No matter how much i change
Or the world changes
Or my friends change
Or my family changes
Or people change
Or seasons change
Or the weather changes,
My God still loves me so so so so much.
He never changes.
He never wears out.
My faithful King. <3

Weird.

That feeling when You see a past lover.
For certain ones, it's no big deal. Nbd. We're friends, there's no hurt
feelings, no drama, it simply didn't work out. Seeing them is just like
seeing a friend and You guys didn't even have a thing.
But then there's the other ones (or that certain one, in my case). That
when You see them, it feels like Your stomach is about to jump out of
Your chest. Every time You see that person, all the pain and emotions
that happened in that relationship hit You like a semi to the heart. You
think that You've healed and moved on and ready to conquer the world
once again! But then that one look from that person could bring You
right back to square one. You wonder if You've ever crossed their mind
as much as they've crossed Yours. So many questions flood Your mind when
You make eye contact.
You truly were my first love.
Everything You did enchanted me.
Getting over You is the longest thing i've ever endured (aside from
grieving my father's loss).
Do You regret it?
Are You embarrassed that You even liked / loved me?
Did You even love me or was that just something You said?
We weren't even together for more than 2 months!
How could You have done so much damage in such a short amount of time?
I know it's completely unattractive for me for me to waste all that time
and emotions on You, You're so worthless to me. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!
Is there something wrong with me?
Is this normal?
You used & exploited my emotions and my body so why is it that i miss
You?
i'd be lying if i said i didn't.
i forgive You for all that You said and did. I tell myself that every
morning when i wake up, "i forgive You, *****."
So, please stop giving me those gut-wrenching looks in our Statistics
class.
You really make me look forward to my husband, though.
i pray for him constantly. That he's preparing his heart and himself for
me, his wife. That he's able to pull through any situations like mine
and that he turns to the Lord for strength and direction for everything.
That he's crazy on fire for God and desires more and more and more and
more of Jesus and can't get enough of it. That his identity is found in
Christ alone, and no one else. Not friends, not the world, not society,
not materials or anything.
i know my Prince is creating You into the person You are to become, and
exactly what i am looking for in my soul mate.
i can't wait to meet You.
.. or find out who You are. <3