I whip my hair back & forth.

So, it's been a while, blog.
I have much to catch You up on.

But let me make something clear, because i haven't made an entry in a
while, doesn't mean i haven't been having my God time. I got a new
journal. And don't You love the feeling of a crisp new notebook for You
to write down anything that You fancy? To write down all You desire &
hope & pray for? All that God wants You to be and strive for?

Anyways. Back to the point.

Since my last entry, a crazy fire to study Intelligent Design has
consumed me. At first, it made me doubt. Reading about evolution & the
crazy depths of science that's threaded into it frightened me. Which, i
think, led to my distance from the Lord in my last entries.
But then i started learning about the intensity of God's power & works
when he breathed everything into existence.

If You are one who is doubting, take comfort in this;

Why do You think the universe is created just perfect for us?
The earth is the perfect distance from the Sun to live. It were 5%
closer, the earth's water would evaporate & we would die. If it were 20%
further, the water would freeze & we would die.
And the earth is on an axis to provide a perfect amount of sunlight to
sustain life.
And we are just one of 9(8?) planets in our solar system. There's about
a few million stars in our galaxy. And then there's thousands more
galaxies than ours & then the planets surrounding those stars. None of
which provide the perfectness atmosphere for there to be life on those
planets.
The British mathematician Roger Penrose conducted a study of the
probability of a universe capable of sustaining life occurring by chance
and found the odds to be 1 in 10 to the 10th power to the 123 power.
Thats 1/10^10^^123.
That is a mind-boggling number. According to probability theory, odds of
1 in 10^50 represents "Zero Probability." But Dr. Penrose's calculations
place the odds of life emerging as Darwin Described it as more than a
trillion trillion trillion times less likely than Zero.
And that's just one example of why evolution isn't a reliable theory. I
didn't even mention the tons of animals that defy evolution like
Giraffes(sp? :/) & a tiny half inch beetle in the rain forest!
:)
I. LOVE. THAT.
Take comfort in THAT my friends. Despite what arrogant, mean &
evolutionary atheists say, Creationism is logical, intelligent, smart &
true.

My new found fascination in this issue has earned me many heated
discussions & conversations with a lot of name calling, insults & harsh
comments. All of which have rolled off my back like no big deal. Until
they started coming from my brother.
I asked him what were to happen if he were wrong about evolution? He'd
go to hell. He then got furious about how Christianity wants us to live
in fear of hell & God. He and others then turned that into "i believe in
God just to get into heaven"? Uhno.
I believe in my King because He has done so much for me. Everything from
having a wonderful family, a perfect father, saving my dad from
suffering, taking away my loneliness, fears & sins, and giving me peace
is all situations. I am so thankful for all that has happened in my
life, and the best way i can think of returning the favor to my heavenly
Prince is by devoting my life to serve Him.
I'm not wasting my time praying, meditating & giving my money. I give my
time & money to widows and orphans in the world, wanting them to have
all that unbroken families have. The time i spend praying and hoping for
my mom, brother, sister, friends to have peace and joy and love in their
lives? That's not wasting my time in my eyes. I enjoy hoping for the
best for everyone that i love. I spend my time wisely serving, praying,
loving & joyfully. All in God's beautiful name.
i'm not trying to "scare the hell" out of You. I want the best for You,
and i want You to know that. I live in the Fear of God because it scares
me how incredible He is. How He created everything. It brings me to a
place of awe and wonder and i just can't get enough of it. I don't know
all the answers to why we Christ followers need to live in the Fear of
God, but i am looking and reading and researching about it.

Which leaves me with where i am now digging into this - why must we live
in the Fear of God? Why does God use fear as a motivation to believe in
Him?
If You have any comments or possible answers, please leave a comment or
text or call me! <3

Much more than just that little bit on intrege(sp?) has happened in my
life recently.
I never thought i'd be here again with a boy. Not THERE i like was with
the guy i wrote about before. But there's a little flame growing in my
love life.
But this is different.
We've had the longest friendship. Since 8th grade. His family LOVES me.
My mom LOVES him. My friends approve. His friends approve. My mentor
approves (so far...). All great, right?
Wrong.
I want this to be different than anything i've ever experienced with a
boy. Nothing like what happened with me and T**** or me and A***** or me
and D**** (ESPECIALLY ME AND HIM).
I want this relationship to be completely pure, honest & innocent. I
want any & everything we say & do honor Jesus & be in His beautiful
name. We're not kissing. I don't want to kiss til my wedding day.
I feel the Lords hand on this & with Him with us, then we can make this
right & beautiful.
I want to look back at everything that happened with fondness & without
regret - whether got married or not.

I think i've said more than i should, Blog. So, let's not wait so long
to talk.

Love,
Lea <3

Why

can't i post intelligent blogs? I really admire those of You who write
such witty topics & things. It feels like a novel instead of a blog.
Your guys' posts make me feel so clever & smart for reading them! You
guys are legit.
Too legit.
Too legit to quit.

Care...

Friday night, i got a totes new understanding of one of my favorite
songs - How He Loves.
"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when i think about the way
He loves us. Oh, how He love us. Oh, how He loves us. Oh, how He
loves."

To be honest, i never got that phrase til Friday night. Listening to it
at theMILL, it felt like the final missing piece in a puzzle slid into
place and my brain was like OH I GOT IT!

Why do i waste my time regretting the things in my past & my previous
actions when His love and mercy has already wiped it away? Also, my
problems are so unimportant compared to the bigger picture! There's
widows & orphans everywhere (Africa, Colorado, my city, my community, MY
NEIGHBORHOOD!) that could use my time and emotions and prayers, more
than i need 'em. I need to stop caring so much about myself. My vision
is to have a servant's heart.

Which brings me to my next question:

How can i stop caring so much about myself but not become careless about
my actions or who i am?

i'd like to hear some feedback on this please, Blog. :)

FREE.

THE SPIRITS OF PERVERSION & APATHY NO LONGER HAVE A HOLD ON ME.
My God is so faithful to me.
No matter how much i change
Or the world changes
Or my friends change
Or my family changes
Or people change
Or seasons change
Or the weather changes,
My God still loves me so so so so much.
He never changes.
He never wears out.
My faithful King. <3

Weird.

That feeling when You see a past lover.
For certain ones, it's no big deal. Nbd. We're friends, there's no hurt
feelings, no drama, it simply didn't work out. Seeing them is just like
seeing a friend and You guys didn't even have a thing.
But then there's the other ones (or that certain one, in my case). That
when You see them, it feels like Your stomach is about to jump out of
Your chest. Every time You see that person, all the pain and emotions
that happened in that relationship hit You like a semi to the heart. You
think that You've healed and moved on and ready to conquer the world
once again! But then that one look from that person could bring You
right back to square one. You wonder if You've ever crossed their mind
as much as they've crossed Yours. So many questions flood Your mind when
You make eye contact.
You truly were my first love.
Everything You did enchanted me.
Getting over You is the longest thing i've ever endured (aside from
grieving my father's loss).
Do You regret it?
Are You embarrassed that You even liked / loved me?
Did You even love me or was that just something You said?
We weren't even together for more than 2 months!
How could You have done so much damage in such a short amount of time?
I know it's completely unattractive for me for me to waste all that time
and emotions on You, You're so worthless to me. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!
Is there something wrong with me?
Is this normal?
You used & exploited my emotions and my body so why is it that i miss
You?
i'd be lying if i said i didn't.
i forgive You for all that You said and did. I tell myself that every
morning when i wake up, "i forgive You, *****."
So, please stop giving me those gut-wrenching looks in our Statistics
class.
You really make me look forward to my husband, though.
i pray for him constantly. That he's preparing his heart and himself for
me, his wife. That he's able to pull through any situations like mine
and that he turns to the Lord for strength and direction for everything.
That he's crazy on fire for God and desires more and more and more and
more of Jesus and can't get enough of it. That his identity is found in
Christ alone, and no one else. Not friends, not the world, not society,
not materials or anything.
i know my Prince is creating You into the person You are to become, and
exactly what i am looking for in my soul mate.
i can't wait to meet You.
.. or find out who You are. <3

10 things that i love.

1. Reading a good book.
2. Running through a huge field in the Summer sun.
3. No make up & still feeling pretty.
4. Laughing with my friends with tears running down our faces.
5. Meaningful conversations about things that are bigger than we are.
6. Curly hair.
7. Witty and logical people.
8. Boyfriend jeans.
9. Relaxing with some Sinatra in the background.
10. My mom.
What are 10 things that You love?

Owch.

"But i've lost it. i'm wasted.
God - quickly, quickly!
Quick to my side, quick to my rescue!
God, don't lose a minute."
[Psalm 70:5]
Just reading this David psalm, this is exactly how a feel. And praying
it to my God, my chest tightens up. It feels like He is hugging me soooo
hard. It's kinda hurts. It feels like He's pressing down on my chest,
it's that strong. It's good to feel His presence again. <3
let this stay. Let it stay.

BIBLE NUGGET.

"But by shifting our focus from what we do to what God does, don't we
cancel out all our careful keeping of the rules and ways God commanded?
Not at all. What happens, in fact, is that by putting that entire way of
life in its proper place, we confirm it."
[Romans 3:31]
Just because our God is bigger than our troubles, sin & past, it doesn't
mean that we can do whatever the cuss we want because it's smaller. It
means that since God is bigger and worthy of our prase, then our lives,
actions and words need to glorify Him because He freakin' deserves it.
... right?

Pressing On.

Dear Blog,

Do You ever wish that You could turn back time? Perhaps better to a happier time, or when things were much more simpler? Maybe just better in general? Well, since You're a blog, back to a time when people actually posted important things, instead of pointless, unmeaningful things?

i find myself wanting to return to the past. Earlier this year was simply incredible. Frankly because i received new revelations of God's splendor so many times. Being used by a guy and then understanding that His hand was on the situation the ENTIRE time, and knew exactly what He was doing gives me chills every time i think about it (SERIOUSLY. THE DUDE COULD OBLITERATE ME IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, BUT HE STILL LOVES AND CHERISHES ME SO MUCH! That, blog, is freakin' scary). And then being a part of such an amazing, passionate internship with so much zeal and ferver for Jesus just made my heart want to know Him more and more! Having the honor to serve next to them as well on my first missions trip just set my heart of fire to serve my community, city and campus so much harder. And THEN being with my sister and her husband to welcome my nephew into the world was utter bliss. <3

Going into my senior year, i couldn't believe how heavily the Lord's presence was with me. Walking the halls, i truely felt set apart. Perversion and cussing disgusted me. Anything worldly or gross did not catch my attention at all. My God's love was all i could talk about to everyone. i couldn't go to sleep at night without reading my bible. It wasn't too long into the year until my King blessed me with a job. Soon after getting the job, i auditioned and got into the school play (This has been my dream to be a part of the theater since i was in elementary school. The internship my sophomore and junior years didn't allow me enough time for rehearsals so this really meant a lot).

Now it is mid-semester and i am burnt. out.

The play has taken all of my time to have my God time and read my bible and go to church.

i no longer feel His presence around me while i am walking down the halls (Although, i very much know He is with me, i just can't sense it).

Spirits of perversion and corrupt-ness have dirtied my mind and clouded my heart from my passion for God.

i've said innepropriate things.

i've acted innepropriately. Especially with guys.

i've cursed when it disgusts me (And i find so so so unattractive!)

i find myself wanting to be in a high school relationship. WHICH IS INCREDIBLY STUPID, FOR I KNOW AND EXPIRIENCED THE FOOLISHNESS OF HIGH SCHOOL DATING.

i have never felt so disgusted with myself. i am better than that. i've been called by my God to be better than this. i have never felt so disappointed in myself in such a long time. People who know me have called me out on this, which goes to show that i am not modeling Christ like i should be. i very well know that my behavior has been is entirely my fault. i don't blame this on my job or the play or anyone else but myself. Being too busy for my God is no excuse. The play is over now, and the next one is coming up. A fellow passionate Christ-follower friend of mine is auditioning and i have a gut feeling that having her there will keep me accountable and in line when being around the perversion and gross-ness with the theater people.

So, this all brings me back to where i am, Blog. Wishing and praying that the sense of overwhelming joy and happiness and security i had with my King will return to me.

i can't turn back time. Hebrews 12 says that our Father calls us His children. And there are going to be times when He teaches and discipline us as His children. ----> This is my time to press on forward with my walk with God. This is the time to learn and grow and face situations like these and cling to my God with all that i have and conquer whatever comes my way.

Sorry, Blog, if You're feeling more like a diary than a Blog. But i hope this is better than other people tell You like, "TODAY I WENT TO JC PENNY!" i hope i've offered You something with meaning, Blog. Now that i think about it, would You be alright with keeping me accountable with my journaling? i type faster than i write and my Godtime journal is almost out of room. i sure hope You're okay with it, Blog, because that's what i'm going to do.

Thank You for listening.

Love,

Lea.