Wow.

It's been quite a while hasn't it? Almost a year. But don't think that I've forgotten about you, my dear blog.


We've got some major catching up to do.


I went to Austin. I did that internship for about  five months and then I quit. Why? Because I'm now an atheist. Why? Read into the opposing argument and you'll see where I'm coming from.


I moved back to Colorado during Christmas time. I got back together with the love of my life. I moved out of my parent's house and got a place so that I could stay with him. We stayed together until March when I left him.


Ever since then I've just been here. Lame.


My life did a complete 180 while I was in Texas. So, I have no idea who I am now.
I put my identity in Christ. Fail.
I put my identity in a boy. Fail.
I put my identity in partying. Fail.
I'm currently putting my identity into smoking. Failing.

Now what?


I've tried getting into different hobbies besides what I've known my whole life which is church and a boyfriend. I've tried longboarding, ukulele, guitar, rock climbing (and honestly, I really love rock climbing. I'll be pursuing that further) and just working my ass off at both my jobs. My life has become completely meaningless. The slow realization of this has made me crave getting back with my ex. He's what I know. He's what I'm used to. He was everything to me. But that's the past, and I would hate myself if I gave in and went backwards.


So, in my search to find myself, I have only realized that I miss having a God in my life more than anything in the entire world. Being atheist isn't ideal. It's a harsh(realistic) way of dealing with reality that I'm not used to and I don't like. I'm used to being told that my life is in someone else's hands and I don't have to worry. Now, I'm constantly worrying, making decisions based off myself. I don't like being selfish, self-serving & mean. I feel myself changing and I don't like the change that I'm seeing. I'm less caring, mean, not caring. I don't like who I see when I look in the mirror. I've changed so much. And I don't know what to do to stop it.


There's actually a part of me that just wants to go to church and have that relationship with God again. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. I don't want to be THAT person again either! I refuse to give in that easily!


Honestly, the best thing that I think I can do right now is move out of the Springs. I am honestly so sick of seeing the same faces every day. I want to get out and move either to Denver or Austin.




And if anyone actually reads this, I'd like to apologize for the person that I've become and what actions I've done towards anyone that may have hurt them. And I have hurt some people no doubt. But words cannot express how sorry I am from the pit of my heart. Since words can't show it, I'm putting action behind it by trying to become a better person, not only for myself but for everyone around me. I don't want to keep hurting the ones I love the most.


Sappy post, I'm sorry.

i basically copied and pasted this from my journal.

[ Just to let You all know what has happened after i graduated ]

i got accepted into the ONEchapel College [ http://onechapelcollege.com/ ] down in Austin, TX at the church one of the pastors from my church [ New Life Church ] started sometime last year. A few of my friends had moved down there to help with the ONEchapel church planting and i was sad to see them leave, but i knew that they we’re following the Lord’s plan for their lives. i remember watching them move on to follow God’s call without hesitation and being so envious that they knew the Lord’s voice and acted on it immediately. i had only hoped that i would be able to notice and do the same when i graduated.

^ Just a background for those of You who don’t know the history of ONEchapel or my relations to it.

 

i leave in eight days for ten months in a city that i’ve never been in and to live in a home of a family i’ve never met.

I CAN’T BE LIEVE I’M LEAVING HOME ALREADY.

i wasn’t planning on flying the nest until a year after i graduated so i could save up money and go to community college or university of some sort, but obviously the Lord had different plans! It’s so crazy to think that the Lord has had this planned [ for me to go to Austin ] for over a year now. Around the time everyone was leaving for ONEchapel, two different friends came to me and told me that they both had dreams about me moving down to Austin to be a part of ONEchapel. And after hearing that, i thought nothing of it. i thought they were crazy because i had no interest in that at all. i put that idea at the bottom of my list of things to do after high school, and look at where i am now; moving down there for ten months only three months after i graduated. It’s like this lady i was checking out at Target the other day,

“We make plans… and God laughs.”

i mean, how true is that?! We can plan and plan and plan all we want, but nothing we do is going to change the Lord’s will for our lives! i mean, we Christians have this mindset that God is our genie and we snap our fingers and say, “Hey, God, make my life super easy and get me into the college i want to go to so i can meet my husband, get married and have kids.” But uhhhh hello? God doesn’t work like that. WE serve HIM. HE doesn’t serve US. He’ll do whatever he dang well pleases with us. Sometimes when He doesn’t answer our prayers the way we want Him to, then we start to think that God wasn’t listening or that He is punishing us or He doesn’t care. IE; My dad had brain cancer when i was twelve. i remember praying all the time to God, “God, please just take the pain away. Give my dad peace, pleaseeeee.” Then my dad died. i was so angry. How could God do that to me? How could he do that to my dad? How could he just rip him out of my life like that? He didn’t even listen to my prayers! Well, Lea. What did You pray for? “No more pain. Peace.” The Lord answered Your prayers exactly. Not they way You wanted it, but in His own way. God took away my father’s pain forever and gave him eternal peace! That’s everything i could have asked for and more.

We have to trust that the Lord has everything planned out for us. That he only has the best for us in mind even though it may not seem like that at the time.

 

i dunno. i’m just thinking a lot about these things a lot lately…

 

Expect more blogs while i’m down in ATX. i can’t wait to share with You what the Lord is doing. <3

Friendships.

Hello, my friends! It's been quite a while hasn't it? i've got a few things on my chest that i need to rant about, and You are fine with it, i'd like to word vomit on You. :)

Well, if You've read my older posts You will know that for the past two/threeish years i was very involved in church and such. i was there four (or sometimes five) days every week. In the internship i was a part of for so long, the friendships that were built were amazing. My friendships there meant the world to me and my leaders and accountability leaders were always there for me. i was happier than i ever was and my walk with Christ was growing quickly.

But now, as i look around me at the friends who are still here, and there is only ONE who attends church and actually makes an effort to keep our friendship going.

uhm......

WTF?

i'm sorry, but i am quite pissed about this. The scripts say to be Christlike, always there for each other and consistant. None of You are here for me now. i feel myself falling and steering away from the path, but i feel like i can't do anything about it. My feet have stopped moving. And i don't know where i am now. i haven't heard His voice and it's bringing the doubt back into my heart.

Where are You guys? i haven't felt the Lord's presence in my life in so long. i need help, and You aren't here. Did my accountability leaders not care about me in the first place? Were they just doing their job and then drop me when i left the internship?

And to my best guy friend that shall remain nameless for this blog. i miss You. Not having Your friendship has been the most hurtful to me. i don't have a male role model at home. i don't have a dad to share with me his wisdom and such about God with me. i don't have a dad to tell me how much he loves me. So, You were what helped me through that so many times. i never told You, but that's that. You are such an amazing person and i'm sorry if i did anything that pushed You away. but right now, i don't have any strong Christian males in my life at all and i need You. This is probably innapropriate to put on a blog, but whenever i think about You i can't help but cry because it feels like You left a hole in my heart.

i doubt any of You who i talked about will read this. Which just justifies that You are not there when i need You. None of You care. Sorry, that sounds kind of hurtful, but You hurt me.

And to that one friend that has been there through everything, thank You. You are incredible and You blow me away with Your love and kindness. Words cannot express the love i have for You and who You are. Thank You for everything, Morgan. i can't wait til You come back.

<3

Graduated.

how incredibly good is our God? He has gone above and beyond any and everything i could ever dream of. <3 how blessed i feel. how loved.
i am at peace.

my God, my God.
what did i do to deserve such joy and happiness? i don't deserve Your grace and kindness. yet, here i am completely content with life and feeling so blessed.

i forget sometimes to thank God for all that He's done for me.
and when i do thank Him for everything, i always feel like i haven't thanked Him enough.
i don't think i'll ever be able to thank Him enough.

How great is our God.
Sing with me, how great is our God
And all will see how great is our God.

<3

Changes.

SO.


hopefully this entry will be a bit more cheery than the last one. :)


posting that last blog, it wasn't my intention to seek attention. and looking back and reading it, i saw that it could have come off that way. my goal with the last blog was to just write out my thoughts. journaling wasn't going fast enough and i type a lot quicker than writing and i wanted to document what i had written so i thought HEY PUT IT ONLINE! so i did.


i realized that everything that i was feeling last week was just a lot of self pity. the Lord was showing me what was in my heart and life that was not of Him and i didn't know what to do with it. He showed me my selfishness and the demons i hold onto instead of him. as soon as i came to this realization, this song immediately came into my head:


"So wash me and make me shine like Your Son.
i want to tell everyone that You're the only One.
So, take my heart & make it new & make it true & make it like You.
Take my hands, i lift them high. They're Yours, not mine, to do, do what You will."
Jared Anderson's version of Ready Now.


my last few sentences in my last blog, i remembered that my heart is a sanctuary for my Savior. and that i was putting people and things in place of His spot in there. He was convicting me, i guess You could put it. i was feeling so guilty of my actions and the bad parts of my heart, i was wallowing in self pity and it was tiring to my soul. Yesterday on Easter i got to spend the whole day to myself because i don't have any family to celebrate Jesus' resurrection. so, i spent basically the whole afternoon catching up with my Prince. turns out He was waiting for me there the whole time. <3 i found that He wasn't disappointed in me at all, just hurt and missing me, just like i was hurt and missing Him. i ran back into the safety of His loving embrace and cast all my cares on Him. He wiped them all away, and now i can feel such a peace in my heart and soul. WHAT A LOVING GOD WE SERVE! how i've missed His presence along side me at school and with my friends and with the ones that i love. He's already given me such wisdom and clear understanding of what i've been stressed and worried with. now i don't worry anymore. i pray. and with prayer, i release all that stress and worry with trust that my God has got it all under control and makes all things work together for my good.


now i feel such joy. JOY. i missed this joy. i missed this happiness and smile i can't wipe off my face because my God my God MY GOD has saved me from the troubles of this world and canceled my ticket to hell. i can and do live vibrantly knowing that God holds me in the palm of His hand with such love and care. <3


i've made changes to my way of thinking and my actions. they're small and subtle, but they've been so good to my heart and my King. the changes i've made may not be a big deal to someone else looking at me, but i can feel it and sense it. i know that the Lord is pleased with me and i know that He's going to keep loving me for the rest of eternity. and visa versa. :)


i'm falling, falling, falling, falling head over heels in love with Jesus again. and it feels so good. <3

disappointment.

i'm sorry, but this entry is going to have to be super sappy and sad.

i'm disappointed in myself. i've disappointed those around me. i don't deserve the incredible friendships, relationships and kindness that i have.
i'm overwhelmed with the flaws and mistakes i've made.
i'm lazy.
i lack the diligence and patience to finish my goals and dreams.
i settle for less than what i deserve.
i don't have enough self control when it comes to my personal wants and desires.
i lack sensitivity.
i break hearts.
i envy and covet.
i'm distant with my King.
i'm used & abused. i don't deserve "only the best" like i'm told all the time.
i have so many unattractive qualities.
i keep making mistakes, dispite my best efforts to avoid them.
i'm selfish.

and You would think that my realization of all these bad things in my heart i should be running to my Savior with all that is in me to ask Him to purge all of these bad seeds out of me. but that's just it. i'm so selfish, i don't want Him to. i kind of like some of the bad parts in myself. i know in the long run, they are only going to leave me hurt, but that's how self centered and self seeking and concited i am. i want to keep saying innepropriate things. i want to keep making out with boys. i want to keep dating even though i'm planning on moving soon. i want to remain self seeking because it takes too much effort to care for others.
i hate myself for saying and thinking all of these things.
i'm rotten. i'm spoiled. i'm a horrible person.
and i can only pray that the Lord won't do away with me because of my disobedience and His disappointment in me.

i find myself asking "why is anyone my friend? why would anyone bother with me?" i don't deserve the amazing, pure, honest, diligent, hardworking and innocent friendships that i have. i don't deserve how sweet and kind and honest they've been to me when i've only broken their hearts and done nothing in return for them. and for that, i am filled with the upmost regret.
it is my DREAM that i could someday be as kind and lighthearted as the ones around me. they all inspire me so much. i aspire to be the wonderful people i am surrounded by. but i believe my influence on them isn't good for them. i'll hurt them with my selfishness as i have before.

my heart is so rotten and used and not pure that i cannot believe that i did this to my sanctuary for my heavenly Prince. He deserves more than this. my loved ones deserve better than this.
You know what?
SCREW MY SELFISHNESS
SCREW MY LONELINESS

You all only deserve the best. i'm tired of only serving myself.
and starting now is the change.
i'm not going to put this off like everything else i have before.
this is going to be immediate.

Dating

I know this is something that EVERYONE loves to talk about. And i'm sure
You've heard a lot of people say their say about the matter. But i think
i've realized something about it and i would love to share! It seems to
me that in the environment that i am in, surrounded by church and
Christian friends, what i see is a lot of planning planning planning of
relationships, but not DOING anything with those plans. And sometimes
those plans You have to do when in a relationship aren't going to work
out that way. You know what i mean? With my own eyes, i've seen friends
going into relationships planning to save their first kiss for marriage
or not for a long time, yet when 2 months rolls around, it happens.
Unplanned. Unexpected. It just happened. When things like that happen, i
think that Jesus has His mighty hand on it. Kissing isn't bad, it isn't
forbidden, but it is special. And that specialness is something that i
would like to save for marriage, but the Big Guy might say "it's okay"
or it'll just happen perfectly one day. He writes my love story, not me.
You also never know who You will have feelings for. You could plan on
wanting a strong Christian man, but fall for an atheist who has his
faith in evolution. You never know what You will be attracted to. I'm
seeing that a lot of my friends who are planning planning planning
aren't having the best of luck with the fellas or ladies. It's
unattractive how strict and full-of-rules they are.
I'm not sure what i'm trying to say. I suppose i'm saying that Dad could
have a different plan for You than what You'd like or prefer.

Lalalalalala